The Music Man: Condensed!
by Morfiwien Greenleaf
Summary: This is what happens when one watches a movie too many times: a playfully irreverent deconstruction of The Music Man. *1962 version*
1. Convenient Coincidences

_Warning: This little fanfic resulted from watching The Music Man (1962) one too many times, as well as Nyquil-fueled delirium (ah, terrible colds!). Much snark ahead…_

INT. PASSENGER CAR OF TRAIN

Random salesman whose name I'm too lazy to research: This meeting of the Fraternity of Traveling Salesmen will now come to order…

Charlie Cowell: *rushes onto the train before angry mob can catch him* Sorry I'm late, fellas – what'd I miss?

Random salesman: Nothing; I was just about to announce today's round-table topic: Cash, or credit? Personally, I think credit is old-fashioned!

*Other salesmen murmur in general agreement*

Visa, MasterCard, American Express, Chase, Discover, Capital One, et al.: *snicker* Oh, really? Please tell us more, salesmen of 1912!

Charlie Cowell: Eh, this topic is boring! I want to talk about Harold Hill!

*Salesmen squee like fangirls*

Salesman with clashing polka-dot bowtie and plaid vest ensemble: *starry-eyed look* Ooh, he's dreamy! And I heard he's the bestest salesman ever!

Charlie Cowell: Yeah – if you like frauds! I'm going to catch up to him one of these days, but it won't be here in this very train we're riding, because that would be way too much of a convenient coincidence! And now I will brag about how savvy Iowans are, so I can unwittingly offer a dare to the man in the brown suit who's sitting near the exit and quietly snickering at us!

Harold Hill: *leaps to his feet* Say, thanks for planning my summer itinerary!

Charlie Cowell: *completely dumbfounded* And you are… ?

Harold: The first of a series of convenient coincidences! *grins and brandishes PROF. HAROLD HILL suitcase before running off train*

Charlie Cowell: Aw, spit!

Harold: *waggles finger at Charlie Cowell as train pulls away* Ha, you just got owned! Sucker.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF RIVER CITY

Harold: *tries to make cordial small talk with passerby*

Townspeople: *totally ignore him*

Harold: Humph! Maybe I should just blow this Popsicle stand… *comes across Marcellus Washburn* Hey, what a stunning coincidence that I should run into my old partner all the way out here! *checks off scorecard marked EXTREMELY IMPROBABLE OCCURENCES THAT HELP ADVANCE THE PLOT* Well, that makes two already, and we're barely twenty minutes into the movie!

Marcellus: *beams with ecstatic happiness* Gregory! It is so good to see you! Even though I have left behind the life of crime and set up a nice, cozy little existence for myself, there is nothing I'd love to see more than you destroying the hopes and dreams of every little boy in the town I have chosen to settle in, while taking all of my friends and neighbors for every dollar they've got. Hell, I'll even help you out! And when I'm not doing that, I will gaze at you in reverent awe as you demonstrate your mad selling skillz.

Harold: *gives trademark grin and winks at audience* Damn, I'm good! Okay, so give me the lowdown, Marce: What do I need to know?

Marcellus: There's a new pool table in town, and the maiden librarian who teaches piano is a stuck-up snob. But she's also gorgeous, so you know there's a heart of gold under her prickly exterior. All she needs is the right man to loosen her up a bit.

Harold: Cool. Now step back, son, and watch me work. *raises hands in the air like a televangelist preacher* Pool is the devil!

Crowd: Aah!

Harold: It will make your sons drink!

Crowd: Aah!

Harold: And smoke!

Crowd: Aah!

Harold: And memorize jokes from magazines that haven't even been invented yet!

Crowd: *looks puzzled*

Harold: *thinks quickly* Ragtime is the devil!

Crowd: Aah!

Harold: *grins* Phase one is complete.

Marcellus: Psst! Librarian approaching at ten o'clock!

Harold: *rushes over to librarian and follows her home* Hey, baby.

Marian Paroo: Get lost, creep! *slams door*

Harold: *shrugs and walks away* Your loss!

INT. PAROO PARLOR

Mrs. Paroo: So how was your day, darling?

Marian: A pervy stranger who's old enough to be my father tried to make a pass at me as I walked home this evening.

Mrs. Paroo: *looks excited* Aw, was he good-looking?

Marian: *gapes at her mother* What part of "pervy stranger who's old enough to be my father" did you not understand?

Mrs. Paroo: *shrugs* Beggars can't be choosers. I've got to get you married off, one way or another!

Marian: Fiddlesticks! I have more important things to think about – like Balzac! If only the ladies of River City would take reading more seriously…

Mrs. Paroo: When a woman has a husband and you've got none, why should she take advice from you – even if you are more intelligent and better educated?

Modern audience: *jaws drop; not sure whether to laugh or cry*

Amaryllis: Hi, my character seems to exist solely to put her foot in her mouth and/or state the obvious! Winthrop hardly ever talks and is unhappy! You are an old maid, Miss Marian! I also have a secret crush on your brother – dear Winthrop, why don't you love me? Is it because I cruelly laughed at you when you lisped my name?

Marian: *grows dewy-eyed at Amaryllis' mention of sweethearts* Oh evening star, who is my Prince Charming? And when will he come to rescue me from this life of drudgery? I know it could not be that pervy stranger who is old enough to be my father – such a thing would be absolutely unthinkable!

Sentimental romantics in audience: *smile knowingly and feel vastly superior at having caught on to this clever bit of foreshadowing*

INT. RIVER CITY HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM

*Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn leads humdrum patriotic sing-along, which eventually segues into "Indian" skit that nowadays would result in Native American groups protesting such wanton misrepresentation of their culture – especially as there are no North American tribes known to have used traditional British sheep-counting language. Demonstrating the innocent tomfoolery that leads to juvenile hall and/or compulsory community service, Tommy Djilas lights a firecracker under Mrs. Shinn. Miraculously, she is unharmed, because in those days, firecrackers understood the difference between mischievous pranks and intentional arson, and would modify their explosions accordingly.*

Harold: *observes proceedings with cool eye* This is totally lame. Time to liven things up a bit! Marcellus, you rile up the crowd while I take center stage! Hey, everyone, I got the solution to all your problems: Something so cool it'll beat a dumb old pool table, any day! I guarantee, as soon as your boys hear what it is, they'll forget all about that devil's game…

Crowd: *leans in eagerly*

Harold: *gives a grand flourish* I am going to organize a boys' band!

Modern, jaded audience: *laughs hysterically at the idea of bands being cooler than pool*

Crowd: *enthusiastically embraces idea and starts playing pretend instruments*

Marian: *glowers as she watches everyone march out of the gym* You people are dumber than a box of rocks! I'm going back to the library – at least my books provide intelligent company! *passes befuddled Mayor Shinn and School Board* Oh, for heaven's sake! Is there anyone in this town with even half a brain? There is no band!

Mayor Shinn: *looks confused* Then where's all that music coming from?

*Parade music instantly disappears in a puff of logic*

Mayor Shinn: *briskly composes himself* Right, men. Get that spellbinder's credentials!

*Meanwhile, Harold Hill helps Constable Locke nab Tommy Djilas*

Mayor Shinn: Stay away from my daughter!

Tommy: Great honk!

Mayor Shinn: *puts hand to head and goes woozy* Oh, the humanity!

School Board: *faints*

Harold: *sighs and rolls eyes* Do I have to do everything around here? Tommy, go invent a music holder for a marching piccolo player – that'll keep you out of trouble! *gestures for random female passerby to join them* And here's a girlfriend for you, as well!

Zaneeta: *giggles in that irritatingly perky manner of hers* Ye gods!

Harold: *grins triumphantly at Constable Locke as teens happily walk down the sidewalk, hand in hand* So, am I good, or am I _good_?

Constable Locke: Uh, Professor, just so you know – Mayor Shinn owns that pool table you've been ragging on since you got to town. And that was the mayor's daughter... *laughs and shakes his head* Figures that out of the huge crowd of girls who walked by, you had to pick her!

Harold: *frowns* Well, if that just isn't another convenient coincidence!


	2. Winning Over the Girl

EXT. MADISON PICNIC PARK

Harold: *leans against post and coolly surveys surroundings, managing to look vaguely amused, ironically detached and suavely debonair all at the same time*

Fangirls: *drool*

School Board: *enters park and demands Harold produce his credentials, speaking over each other in an argumentative but harmonious way that illustrates their dulcet lead, bass, tenor and baritone voices*

Harold: What am I hearing?! *dons black cape and white mask and sings in a hypnotic, Michael Crawford-esque voice* I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne…

School Board: *stares blankly at him*

Harold: *clears throat and tosses costume aside* Sorry, wrong musical. *takes out pitch pipe and blows on it* Say _ice cream_!

School Board: *instantly transforms into melodious, award-winning barbershop quartet*

Harold: *pumps fist in the air* I rule! *spots Marian watching and gives her his trademark grin* Hey baby, how about we go back to my hotel room for some caramels?

Marian: Jerk. *walks away*

Harold: *follows her* Would it impress you if I claimed that I was a graduate of the prestigious-sounding but nonexistent Gary Conservatory, Gold Medal Class of Aught-Five?

Marian: No, because unlike everyone else in this town, I actually base my judgments on concrete evidence! *sticks nose into the air* I am immune to your charms!

Sentimental romantics: *smile knowingly and feel even more superior*

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE ENTRANCE TO JACEY SQUIRES' LIVERY STABLE

Harold: Now that I have sold instruments to tone-deaf youth by flattering their equally musically ignorant mothers, raised awareness of the boys' band through the sophisticated advertising technique of doctoring old quack-cure posters and hanging them all over town, and explained the finer points of my scheme to my dim but amiable shill, it is now time to catch up on the local gossip! But who can I go to for information?

*Mrs. Shinn and her biddies walk by, wearing ridiculously oversized feather hats and bobbing their heads as they twitter and chatter in high-pitched voices*

Harold: *surveys ladies thoughtfully* Hmm… looks promising, but I how do I know for sure? I need my metaphors to be driven home with a sledgehammer, damn it!

*Camera pans to show hens clucking and scratching at the soil*

Harold: *grins* That'll do it. *approaches women* Good evening, ladies! What can you tell me about Marian Paroo?

Biddies: *predictably act all scandalized*

Mrs. Shinn: Marian Paroo is a brazen hussy who reads dirty books and had an affair with the town's miserly benefactor – which is a total oxymoron if you think about it, but as we townspeople have repeatedly demonstrated, thinking is not one of our strong points!

Harold: *looks gleeful as a boy on Christmas morning* Aw yeah – jackpot!

INT. LIVERY STABLE

Marcellus: Displaying a stunning lack of ability to coherently consider future consequences, I will now offer to fix you up with my girlfriend's virtuous sister. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to be known as the woman who was dumb enough to date the guy who fleeced the entire town!

Harold: Nah, I only like women who put out. That way, I don't have to marry them afterward!

Marcellus: *gives him awed look* Wow, when you put it that way, it sounds… really sleazy.

Harold: *chuckles ruefully* I know! That's why I'm going to couch it in a cute little song incorporating alliteration, clever metaphors and literary references. I will also do a jaunty yet strangely alluring dance so the young girl who's watching us doesn't know what the heck we're talking about!

Fangirls: *sigh dreamily, completely ignoring the unpleasant implication that Harold Hill probably has more STDs than the research labs at the CDC*

Marcellus: *looks vaguely disturbed* Whose bright idea was it to have Amaryllis hanging around two dirty old men talking innuendo? If this movie was made nowadays, Child Protective Services would be all up in arms over this!

Harold: *shrugs in a charmingly devil-may-care manner and pats his comrade on the shoulder* It was a simpler, more innocent time, Marce.

INT. MADISON PUBLIC LIBRARY

Harold: *pops up unexpectedly and repeats himself ad nauseum* I love you madly madly Madam Librarian Marian!

Marian: Okay, in real life, this would be beyond creepy, and you'd be arrested for stalking!

Harold: *waggles finger at her* Ah ah ah, you're forgetting that we're in a musical!

Marian: *face brightens* Let's dance!

*They dance around the library*

Harold: So does this mean you finally like me?

Marian: *pulls out of his embrace and acts all prim* No, it's still way too early in the movie for that! At best, I am secretly intrigued by your footloose and fancy-free ways, as well as alarmed by the fact that I went all dreamy and nearly let you kiss me in the middle of a crowded library.

Harold: *grins and kisses her anyway*

Marian: How dare you?! *tries to slap him*

Harold: *not only dodges her blow, but demonstrates amazing agility for a man in his forties by catching a ride down the dumbwaiter, vaulting over two counters and sprinting out the front doors* Ha – beat that, Matthew Broderick!

Matthew Broderick: *slinks away in shame*

Readers who preferred the 2003 abomination – er, version of The Music Man: *scowl angrily and delete Morfiwien Greenleaf's romance fics from their favorites*

EXT. PAROO BACKYARD

Harold: One minute, I display a shocking lack of smarts by inadvertently including the mayor's house on my solicitation route, and the next, I manage to cleverly locate Marian Paroo's home and ingratiate myself with her warm-hearted but simple-minded mother. *winks at the audience* Let's watch the fun, shall we?

Mrs. Paroo: *is so mesmerized, she lets Harold take all the money out of her hands before she can even count it* Charming, handsome, educated, gift of the Blarney: You'd be perfect for my daughter!

Harold: *rolls eyes* Okay, this is too fawning, even for me.

Marian: *storms outside* What the heck are you doing here?

Harold: *perks up* Ah, that's more like it! How d'ye do, Miss Paroo?

Marian: I hate you! I hate you more than anyone I've ever met in my entire life! Mere words cannot express the depth of my loathing for you. I will never share a pleasant conversation with you over strawberry phosphates at the Candy Kitchen, or wear a provocative red dress and exchange banter with you in an atmosphere so loaded with sexual tension that you could cut it with a knife, or kick my heels up with you on the Madison Park Pavilion. And I will certainly never meet you at the footbridge and express my undying love while we passionately embrace!

Harold: *finishes writing down everything she said on his notepad* Ooh, I like the way you think, Madam Librarian! Shall we start with the Candy Kitchen, or do you want to skip right ahead to the footbridge?

Marian: ARRRRRGHHH! *storms back inside and slams door behind her*

INT. MADISON PUBLIC LIBRARY

Marian: *finally notices the big honking _Indiana State Educational Journal_ that's been lying around the whole time* Sweet! At long last, I have solid proof that Harold Hill is a fraud! *runs to find Mayor Shinn* Take a look at this!

Mayor Shinn: Oh, good! I was just complaining about that spellbinding cymbal salesman to anyone who would listen – he is single-handedly responsible for all my familial, political and business woes. I am glad someone has finally brought me the solution I have been so desperately wishing for; it never would have occurred to me to drop by the library and do some research on my own. Quick, tell me everything you know! *is distracted by the Wells Fargo Wagon* Ooh, band instruments!

Marian: *frustrated* Is there anyone in this town who _doesn't _act like they just got a full frontal lobotomy?

Every River City-zien except her: *stands along curb in one big line and gazes down the road with big, dopey grin* Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-coming now, is it a prepaid surprise or C.O.D...

Marian: And I'm still wearing the same dress as I was the afternoon Harold Hill took the order for Winthrop's cornet… either the person in charge of costume changes screwed up royally, or the band instruments arrived impossibly quickly!

Harold: *bursts out of the Wells Fargo Wagon* Time has definitely passed – you can tell because I'm no longer wearing that fugly gingham suit!

Winthrop: *bursts with glee when Professor Hill kneels in front of him and hands him a shiny, brand-new cornet* Gee, thankth, Proffethor! Thithter! Thithter! I never thought I'd ever thee anything tho thcrumpthyuth ath thith thcrumpthuth tholid gold thing! Oh, thithter!

Everyone standing within a twenty-mile radius: *is sprayed with copious amounts of spittle*

Harold: *frowns and wipes face* Hmm… maybe it was better when you _weren't _talking so much…

Marian: *gives Professor Hill dreamy, glowing smile*

Harold: *cheers up instantly* Aw yeah, I'm gonna get some!


	3. The Final Death of Logic

INT. CANDY KITCHEN

Marian: *enters Candy Kitchen and takes seat at counter* Tee hee. It is now time for me to meet Professor Hill for that pleasant conversation. He is standing right over there, but I will pretend not to see him and order a strawberry phosphate. Since it is the only drink I was ever linked to in the canon storyline, fanfic writers will decide it is my favorite beverage and work it into their stories every chance they get – despite the fact that I leave my glass almost completely full.

Harold: *approaches her as soon as he gets the opportunity* May I join you?

Marian: *coyly peeps at him from under the brim of her absurd but endearing hat* Oh no, I couldn't possibly! A proper lady must always say no, even – and especially – when she means yes. This particularly holds true when a man is making romantic overtures!

Modern females: *headdesk*

Harold: *smiles knowingly and takes seat next to her* Yep, I am definitely gonna get some!

Mayor Shinn: *interrupts cuteness by barging in and cock-blocking Tommy Djilas. Goes on to demonstrate just how gosh darn wholesome these old musicals are by inadvertently alluding to premarital sex between teenagers and uttering a spoonerism that turns a scolding command into a fart joke. Ah, clean entertainment for the entire family!*

Harold: *slightly irritated* So did that scene have a purpose, other than to wreck the nice little mood that had been building?

Marian: Yes, it served to unite us in agreement for the first time ever! And I will not only commend you for your bravery in sticking your neck out, I will do a complete 180 and staunchly defend your ludicrous Think System!

Harold: *stunned and pleased* So… does this mean I get to come over tonight?

Marian: Sure. *expression turns all dreamy and dazed. For the rest of the movie, this will be her predominant reaction when she thinks about or looks at Harold*

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE RIVER CITY HOTEL

Harold: *walks briskly along, whistling happily in anticipation of upcoming nookie*

School Board: *confronts him as he tries to enter hotel* Give us those freaking credentials! You may have fooled and eluded us several times before, but now we have shiny metal stars on our chest that say you must obey us.

Harold: *rolls eyes* Well, congratulations! Did those deputy badges come with functional brains, or are you still the same easily distracted idiots with the attention span of a two-year-old? *takes out pitch pipe and blows on it*

School Board: *starts singing "Lida Rose"*

Harold: Yeah, I thought so. *grins and slips away*

EXT. PAROO FRONT PORCH

Marian: *sighs dreamily* I am utterly, hopelessly and melodramatically in love with Harold Hill. But will I ever tell him? *plucks flower petals off daisy* Ah yes, ah no, ah yes, ah no…

Mrs. Paroo: If you don't tell him, I will! I can't take any more of this mooning around!

Marian: *rolls eyes* Whatever.

Winthrop: *arrives home* Look everyone! Harold gave me this long and sharp pocketknife with like a gazillion attachments, each one more dangerous than the next!

Modern parents: *are scandalized*

Marian and Mrs. Paroo: *don't even bat an eye*

Winthrop: Harold rules! He is my BFF – we talk about everything!

Marian: *curious* What on earth does a forty-something swindler find to talk about with a naïve ten-year-old boy?

Winthrop: When he's not leading me on with false promises of a trip to his alleged hometown, Harold likes to make sarcastic comments a child my age will naturally take as Gospel Truth. For example, he says if I'm gonna stick around River City, I'd better learn to whittle and spit! I've got the spitting down pretty good, as I will demonstrate by singing "Gary, Indiana" right in the face of my mother and enunciating the _P_s as hard as I can!

Mrs. Paroo: *wipes self and ushers Winthrop inside* All right, it's time for us comic-relief characters to get the heck out of here so the romantic shenanigans can begin!

EXT. STILL ON THE PAROO FRONT PORCH

Marian: *prettily sits on the step and daydreams* Ah, everything is just perfect… Absolutely nothing could spoil the steamy make-out session I have planned for this evening – as evidenced by my scandalously red dress with sheer sleeves and tassel thingies on the chest that bounce every time I move!

Charlie Cowell: *walks up to her* I hate Harold Hill – he is a fraud who makes me look like the mediocre salesman that I am! Will you join me in my quest to destroy him?

Marian: Hell no! Instead, I will come up with the bright idea of making you miss your train. I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to accomplish, because all it will do is keep you in River City – thereby hastening the inevitable discovery of the truth by all. And you will be so pissed off that you will become even more determined to bring down your archenemy. But as I have lost my ability to think about the long term, just like everyone else in this damn town, I will proceed full steam ahead with my plan! *shimmies seductively* Won't you dance the tango with me?

Charlie Cowell: Sure, girly-girl! Oh, and by the way, your boyfriend is a total man-whore. He's slept with like _hundreds_ of women!

Marian: *is crushed* Bastard! You totally killed my buzz!

Harold: *in the convenient timing of musicals, arrives at the Paroo house just after Charlie Cowell's exit. Immediately starts putting the moves on Marian*

Marian: *reverts to ice queen persona*

Harold: *annoyed* What, so we're back to square one, now? Screw this, I'm outta here! *starts to leave*

Marian: *desperately runs after Harold and inadvertently ends up standing a lot closer to him than she intended*

Harold: *mesmerized* Holy crap, I just forgot my own name!

Marian: *is torn* I want to love you, but I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost! What's a girl to do?

Harold: *goes all smoldering* Kiss me.

Marian: No – I'm angry at you for your philandering ways!

Harold: *incredulous* You're angry at _me_, after your little affair with the town's decrepit old benefactor? Double standard, much?

Marian: *offended* That is an evil lie! I am chaste as the Virgin Mary – despite my alluring and period-inappropriate crimson lipstick and heavily painted eyes!

Harold: *momentarily thrown off* Huh. Who knew those rumors revealed more about the prejudices of those small-town biddies than they did about you? *shrugs and moves on, determined to score some nookie* Well, if some rumors are lies made up by jealous and narrow-minded individuals, and the rumors about you are false, then that must mean the rumors about me are false, as well!

Marian: *eagerly accepts faulty syllogism and goes all dreamy again*

Harold: Meet me at the footbridge in fifteen minutes… that should give you more than enough time for a complete hair, wardrobe and makeup change, as well as a few spare moments to dance the Shipoopi with me on the Madison Park Pavilion!

Marian: *confused* But I thought you said earlier in the movie that ragtime was the devil…

Harold: *gives Marian THE LOOK*

Fangirls: *squee*

Marian: *goes all woozy* The Shipoopi sounds wonderful…

EXT. FOOTBRIDGE

Marian: *looking inexplicably pregnant, she confesses her love to Harold in a grand and operatic fashion*

Harold: *tries to resist* Don't fall in love with her… don't fall in love with her… oh, the heck with it! *grabs Marian and kisses her*

Sentimental romantics: *sigh happily*

Marian's stomach: *kick!* Hi, I'm Patrick Cassidy – future TV and musical theatre actor!

Harold: *jumps back in surprise* WTF?

Marian: *pulls him back to her* Ignore that and kiss me again!

Marcellus: *interrupts* Ha! So much for the great salesman and seducer of women!

Harold: *defensive* Shut up – it's all part of my scheme.

Marcellus: Speaking of schemes, the band uniforms came in. Here's the money!

Harold: *staring back at Marian* What? *snaps out of it and pockets the wad of cash* Oh right – the whole reason I came here in the first place! So, what time does the train go?

Marcellus: 9:40 p.m.

Harold: Sweet! It's not even 8:30 yet – still got plenty of time to "collect my commission," if you know what I mean. *pauses* Wait a minute… if it's not even 8:30 yet, why is it so dark out? It was also night during the big Shipoopi dance number in the park, and when I traded rumors with Marian on her front porch. Come to think of it, it was night when I encountered the School Board in front of the hotel, and that had to have happened at least an hour ago! Even accounting for the fact that Daylight Saving Time wasn't in effect until 1918, the sun seems to have set awfully early for a day in July!

Morton DaCosta: Shut up! I was trying to create a romantic mood!

Harold: *shrugs* Fair enough. Now beat it, Marcellus – I've got some seducing to do! *goes back to Marian* Hey, baby…

Marian: I know you're a fraud. I've known since three days after you came here.

Harold: *completely confused* Okay, I'm willing to let the early sunset thing go, but this is nuts! How is that possible that you knew after only three days? In an earlier scene, I told Marcellus it took ten days for the band instruments to arrive, and you discovered the truth the day the Wells Fargo Wagon came to town. That would mean I was in River City for at least a week and a half before you had solid proof…

Marian: *silences him with a kiss*

Harold: *grins dazedly* What was I saying, again?

Marian: *gives him sly smile* You were going to escort me home so I could get a shawl to further conceal my pregnancy-swollen stomach.

Harold: Sounds good to me!

EXT. MADISON PARK PAVILION

School Board: *sings romantic song*

Biddies being used as visual aids: *spoil effect by looking like pouty, overgrown Little Bo Peeps*

Ethel Toffelmier: *further spoils effect by reaching between her legs to figure out just what body part of her partner she's about to sit on*

Charlie Cowell: *interrupts* You people are idiots! But instead of coming right out and telling you why, I will begin by using my odd colloquialisms and idioms to convey my urgent, important message in a roundabout manner!

Random extra: I'm sorry, I don't follow you.

Charlie Cowell: Harold Hill is a fraud!

Townspeople: *transform from mellow concert attendees into angry mob, complete with stereotypical torches*

Marcellus: Oh crap, this is not good. *runs off to find Harold*

EXT. IN FRONT OF PAROO HOUSE

Harold: I am giddy as a schoolboy with my first crush! I will sing joyfully in 4/4 time as I wait for my beloved to come back outside.

Marian: *sings same melody in 3/4 time, demonstrating how musically clever The Music Man is*

Harold: *grows somber* Oh crud, I really do love Marian after all. This is going to put a damper on my plans to skip town!

Marcellus: Don't worry, I'll distract the approaching mob – no one in this town is smart enough to figure out I'm actually on your side, despite the fact that I'm carrying your PROF. HAROLD HILL suitcase in my hand as I lead people to the Creamery!

Winthrop: *in tears* You suck, Harold Hill! I will hate you until I die!

Harold: *chastened* Ouch – this really hurts to hear, even if it is true. Why did I decide to stay in River City, again?

Marian: *calms Winthrop down and gazes lovingly at Harold*

Harold: *perks up* Oh, yeah.

Angry mob: *arrives to take Harold away*

INT. RIVER CITY HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – PLEASE NOTE IT IS DEFINITELY NIGHTTIME

Mayor Shinn: *instead of proposing solutions or a plan of action, falls back on the time-honored maneuver every politician uses when something goes wrong on his watch* I will now bloviate about how this situation is totally not my fault!

Constable Locke and posse: *saves Mayor Shinn's political career and ass by bringing in a handcuffed Harold Hill*

Mayor Shinn: *relieved* Okay, let's tar and feather this bastard and call it a night!

Marian: *interrupts to give stirring speech about the intangible benefits of being conned out of one's money*

Everyone in room: *is swayed by Marian's eloquence and enthusiastically votes not to tar and feather Harold Hill*

Mayor Shinn: *shows glimmer of common sense for the first time ever* Are you people freaking insane? You just paid money for a nonexistent band!

River City Boys' Band: *enters room right on cue. In a shocking (well, not really) turn of events that strains credulity even for a happy-go-lucky musical, they play Beethoven's Minuet in G, sounding just like any hung-over high school band*

Parents: *demonstrate they are just as tone-deaf as their children by screaming their sons' names like groupies at a concert*

Harold: *stunned* Wow… there's only one thing could make this scenario even more implausible…

Everyone: *runs out of high school* Fantasy marching band sequence!!!!!!!!

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE OF RIVER CITY HIGH SCHOOL – INEXPLICABLY, IT IS NOW BROAD DAYLIGHT

Zaneeta: *leans on balustrade and dreamily gazes at Tommy as he prepares to lead the band*

Tommy and band boys: *magically receive uniform upgrade*

Zaneeta: Ye gods! *fantasizes again*

Tommy: *turns into Brad Pitt*

Zaneeta: Niiiiice!

Harold Hill: *takes his place as leader of the parade and prances around in an extremely fruity manner. The bright red pants, gold-tasseled jacket and big foofy feather on his cap do not help matters*

Fangirls: Who the hell cares?! It's _Robert Preston_! *sigh dreamily*

A very pregnant Shirley Jones: *joins him, and they march off happily together*

THE END!

Sentimental romantics and fangirls: *squee*

Sentimental romantics and fangirls who are also writers: *drop all other projects to churn out a bunch of shipper-y Harold-Marian fanfic and post it on FanFiction dot net*

_Heh – I guess the last laugh is on me!_


End file.
